despise vs longing

How can someone you despise can put a whole in your heart?
When someone you wish to disappear suddenly, disappear,
Isn’t it something you should quietly cherish?
Or at least be glad and pretend to be sad?
Then why is this someone can make such a hole that can never be filled?
Why do you your thoughts still linger of this someone existence?
Why everything you touch reminds you of this someone?
Why won't it wash away like every past person?
Have this someone stays too long in your heart,
Wound you as much as care for you?
Wasn’t this someone you wanted so much to loose everyday?

Maybe I’m not ready to loose her.
She left without a warning. It’s a scary thought if what you were yelling might be the last word ever spoken. It’s a scary thought if your last encounter both full of hateness, might as well be the last. she suddenly appear as sudden as she disappear, or she might not, as soon as you thought. She’s an unpredictable soul. And I am so much surprise how hard was it to remain ignoring of her disappearance.